In Family Happiness, the source of suffering is once described as a desire for "movement and not a calm course of existence... excitement and the chance to sacrifice [for] love." The young woman yearned for such an opportunity despite her explicit statement that she wished for a quiet life with him in their countryside home. They took a trip to the city and he introduced her to the social life at dances with the upper echelons of society. She was enamored and their relationship began to deteriorate.
This feeling of restlessness and discontent is very familiar. What has never made sense to me is that it focuses on something which is essentially unknown. As a comparison, imagine someone who is suffering from a disease which has not been diagnosed. Without knowing why he suffers, how can he make himself better? At best, his short-term efforts can only be palliative measures. He may try various treatments, but each treatment is a sort of guess. Similarly, the restless lover who desires to sacrifice for love is confused about how to find satisfaction. I don't think it is possible to truly want to sacrifice, ever. That's because the object of desire is not the act of sacrifice, but the end for which one sacrifices. Although love prepares us to sacrifice, conceiving of a desire to sacrifice as a necessary component of love is a dangerous romanticism. Just imagine the suffering that could come from expecting that a lover must sacrifice as proof of love, especially if he thinks "I would do it for you". In any case, when considering sacrifice the question is not whether one wants to sacrifice, but whether one is willing to sacrifice when the time comes.
I take the desire to sacrifice for love as coming not from love of someone, but from a desire for a kind of glory. I find parallels to this dissatisfaction at work. I am often dissatisfied with the results that I produce as an analyst. I feel as if I'm searching for something profound which the models I build either are not or cannot tell me. I wonder whether more advanced techniques would produce a more conclusive understanding of the population I study. I do all this, often without giving enough consideration to the impact that my work already could have on the business. My aim, as evinced by my attention, is not solely the improvement of the business, but a combination of improving the business and a desire for something greater. Similarly, the desire to sacrifice for love is evidence of a desire for glory as separate from desiring the good of one's love because love does not involve a wish to harm oneself or one's lover. The desire to sacrifice for love seems only to make sense to me as a way to create evidence for the self-contented thought, "my love is great."
A striking scene, toward the end of the story, was that of the man responding calmly to the woman lamenting the state of their relationship and asking him about why he hadn't done more to avert their situation. Why hadn't he sacrificed more of his time and his emotion for the relationship rather than his money? In the past, he might have been hurt or defensive. It was through this shift in his attitude that he was able to talk things over with his wife at the moment when she came to him and help her change her understanding of their relationship. The story ends with the prospect of familial happiness on the horizon.
This feeling of restlessness and discontent is very familiar. What has never made sense to me is that it focuses on something which is essentially unknown. As a comparison, imagine someone who is suffering from a disease which has not been diagnosed. Without knowing why he suffers, how can he make himself better? At best, his short-term efforts can only be palliative measures. He may try various treatments, but each treatment is a sort of guess. Similarly, the restless lover who desires to sacrifice for love is confused about how to find satisfaction. I don't think it is possible to truly want to sacrifice, ever. That's because the object of desire is not the act of sacrifice, but the end for which one sacrifices. Although love prepares us to sacrifice, conceiving of a desire to sacrifice as a necessary component of love is a dangerous romanticism. Just imagine the suffering that could come from expecting that a lover must sacrifice as proof of love, especially if he thinks "I would do it for you". In any case, when considering sacrifice the question is not whether one wants to sacrifice, but whether one is willing to sacrifice when the time comes.
I take the desire to sacrifice for love as coming not from love of someone, but from a desire for a kind of glory. I find parallels to this dissatisfaction at work. I am often dissatisfied with the results that I produce as an analyst. I feel as if I'm searching for something profound which the models I build either are not or cannot tell me. I wonder whether more advanced techniques would produce a more conclusive understanding of the population I study. I do all this, often without giving enough consideration to the impact that my work already could have on the business. My aim, as evinced by my attention, is not solely the improvement of the business, but a combination of improving the business and a desire for something greater. Similarly, the desire to sacrifice for love is evidence of a desire for glory as separate from desiring the good of one's love because love does not involve a wish to harm oneself or one's lover. The desire to sacrifice for love seems only to make sense to me as a way to create evidence for the self-contented thought, "my love is great."
A striking scene, toward the end of the story, was that of the man responding calmly to the woman lamenting the state of their relationship and asking him about why he hadn't done more to avert their situation. Why hadn't he sacrificed more of his time and his emotion for the relationship rather than his money? In the past, he might have been hurt or defensive. It was through this shift in his attitude that he was able to talk things over with his wife at the moment when she came to him and help her change her understanding of their relationship. The story ends with the prospect of familial happiness on the horizon.
